Twitter is a great place to befriend people who you’d never let in your house.
Found this absolute gem on the floor at work???
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
There’s a man in America who claims he can rob supermarkets using telekinesis.
Food for thought, isn’t it?
A woof in sheep’s clothing.
🇺🇸🤭
wait a minute….
Shoutout to coughing on the bus. Haven’t tried it myself but seems really popular
If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine. Also, I’ll tell my mom
based
No better way for a child to learn how to spell than by having to save a man from hanging to death.
I don’t work from home because there are too many distractions. My house has a TV and a PlayStation and it’s impossible to concentrate on these if I have to work.
I never found the Headless Horseman that impressive, because the horse still has a head and is clearly doing all the navigating. My first thought wouldn’t be “demon guy” it would be “service horse, make sure not to pet it”
My neighbor, whose name I thought was Chuck (for two years), told me his name and I immediately forgot it.