Women are like buses, if you missed the last one, another will be along shortly to run you over.
Sorry I speak my mind.
It’s the only one I have, so I’m using it.
I’m Kodak hut old. So I know a thing or two about humiliation, I had to pick up my own nudes, in person.
There aren’t enough rap songs about cutting coupons.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
Me: Alexa, play music
Cop: where do you think you are?
Take my own advice? No thanks, that sounds dangerous
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
son: *counts to ten*
wife: good job
me: (smugly) eleven
My neighbors were arguing and I opened the door to see what was going on and the lady was like “Lower your voice neighbors can hear you” and the man was like “MAN F*CK THAT NOSY A** LADY”
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
[whispering to my son before he sits on santa’s lap] if you ask him to stop my hair from thinning I’ll let you drive on the way home
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
Qtips don’t just fall in the bathroom trash can they bounce right out on the floor according to my 23 yr old daughter
He’s making his list…He’s checkin’ it twice.
He left it at home.
He’s texting his wife.