There’s something about Dracula I just don’t trust
if the plane can’t go to the gate, that has nothing to do with me. We landed. I can get out and walk
Hockey is like trying to push a potato bug with golf clubs while the players roller-skate on ice to house music.
Me: Sounds great but I can’t go.
Them: Why?
Me: My car is haunted.
Them: Haunted?
Me: So haunted.
Absolute fiend for dumbass plot devices in fantasy stories. I love it when there’s some stupid magic orb that fixes everything, you just need to find it.
“The kingdom is in peril! Champion, you must find the Cube of Fix Precisely This Specific Problem.”
I will snort it like snow.
How do we know what dinosaurs sounded like? They could have whispered or had a Swedish accent. We don’t know
the fridge is too full so now i’m stuck here drinking all the wine
Number of days since I locked myself out of the house and had to climb in through a window: ZERO
If you don’t fake zombie chew on their heads while you hug your kids once in a while, you’re doing it wrong.
Sliding a piece of paper over to the bank teller that says, “I have no money.”
Go to the liquor store and rescue and few bottles of wine, they need a living home too.
my sister, since we’re at a 10-hour time difference now, which means that she lives “in the future”
Okay so this is wild. I’m using this ticket machine in Japan and it malfunctions and doesn’t give me my change.
Suddenly, a panel in the wall opens in the wall and a guy appears and tells me to hold on and then gives me my change.
