Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
my one true gender
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
Sing it!
