“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.