Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
For those that worship cheese..
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.