I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
fr
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
Aw man, but that’s the best part
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
#MeanwhileInCanada
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.