Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
How much for the goth pool noodles?
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
