first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week