my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.