Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
fr
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
Aw man, but that’s the best part
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
#MeanwhileInCanada
