Sing it!
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
