Saw online –
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
When you can’t find your friend Neil
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*