Challenge accepted.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed