So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…