Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
those birds must be on payroll
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
respect
