babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
Doctors texting each other.
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal