Sticker placement is key.
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
TEETH IS INNOCENT
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.