literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.