If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.