Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.