My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
90% of parenting is crumb identification.