*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.