Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27