inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.