I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf