Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
Saving my good tweets for marriage
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe