Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
the best thing i’ve ever made
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
the prophecy has been fulfilled
