Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.