I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
The fall of Netflix
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
yeah 😭
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’