i’m not celebrating labor day tomorrow. i’m gonna sit on my ass
I’ve disappointed better people.
you will never catch me dying in a cave or whilst climbing Mount Everest. you know who hasn’t suffered a gruesome death far in the caverns below ground? me, because I’m in my jim-jams, reading
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Update on my fitness journey: at the farmers’ market my wife handed me a bag of celery and said, “careful, it’s heavy.”
My cat is like a shitty Roomba that picks up all the dirt off the floor, but then just deposits it onto the carpet.
Neighbours are away & the house-sitter asked me for help with the back door that was stuck. Grabbed GT85 lubricant, fixed the sliding bolts, & while she was distracted, I lubricated the creaking hinges on their front door that have been driving me mad for 3 years.
APPLE TV+: Our latest show stars four Oscar winners and costs $75M per episode. We have done zero advertising for it and it has been viewed by approximately 47 people.
NETFLIX: We’re excited to announce a seventh season of our most watched show, Airport Bathroom Toilet Camera.
We were never supposed to have this much access to stupid people’s thoughts, beliefs, and opinions.
Me: (exists)
Wasp: I have opinions about that
young sherlock holmes: that large clocktower is named big ben. therefore, when you ask “where is little ben,” you are referring to your watch — a miniature clock. a trick question, but one i will indulge. your wrist, madam
distraught mother: you were supposed to be watching him
Obsessed with when babies see a younger baby and say “baby!” Like girl, ur the Spider-Man meme right now
you can lead a squid to water but you can’t make it ink
I warned you I would betray you over potatoes, this is on you.
Airport cop: The dog is indicating that you might have something. Do you have any illicit substances on your person?
Me, waving over another cop: Excuse me Sir, this guy thinks his dog talks and he’s asking me for drugs