“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?