I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
congratulations to them
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.