Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?