I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
The smoothest fall of all time
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.