I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.