If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
Just got to our Airbnb!
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!