Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
Dietest Coke
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho