It was worth a shot 😂
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.