It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom