I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
Boy never ceases to amaze me
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
Potatoes were such a good idea
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.