Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
🙂🐾
