“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.