You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
Day 2 of my diet
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.