How do we know what dinosaurs sounded like? They could have whispered or had a Swedish accent. We don’t know
the fridge is too full so now i’m stuck here drinking all the wine
Number of days since I locked myself out of the house and had to climb in through a window: ZERO
If you don’t fake zombie chew on their heads while you hug your kids once in a while, you’re doing it wrong.
Sliding a piece of paper over to the bank teller that says, “I have no money.”
Go to the liquor store and rescue and few bottles of wine, they need a living home too.
my sister, since we’re at a 10-hour time difference now, which means that she lives “in the future”
Okay so this is wild. I’m using this ticket machine in Japan and it malfunctions and doesn’t give me my change.
Suddenly, a panel in the wall opens in the wall and a guy appears and tells me to hold on and then gives me my change.
i just found this in my phone
who thought of the name? he did? okay, hang on {calls out to the cubicles} craig, can you come in here for a sec!
nooOOO now I have to dunk my phone in water!!!
Apple trying to ruin my marriage wtf
