[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
Me buying fruit and veg
