Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
