I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
“i am a sweet baby”
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?