My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.