i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.