my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
The prophecy is fulfilled
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.