Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
idk what he going thru but i feel him
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”