The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.