I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off