Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
im 7 sauces long
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do