One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!